Medicine Plants. Ayahuasca. My Joinery Into the World of Spirits

DAY 1

I had so much doubts about to go or not to go to this ceremony. The last one, in April, didn’t helped me at all, but even made me feel worse. I had total demotivation…, but inner voice was saying – Go, Go to this last one… I was confused, to go, for what, if zero results after the last one… So I asked the Universe, Give me a sign… and I got it. The next day I got message from mom, that she found some mushrooms in very unusual place…(btw, I asked about the sign, when I was doing mi own little ceremony with medicine plant) but, of course, this message didn’t convinced me. So I asked the Universe again – Just give me a clear sign, should I go, or not. And in couple of hours I got email from the facilitator about upcoming ceremony… Well, that was obvious – now I definitely had to go.

Truly, I was a bit skeptical about this upcoming event… What can it give me?... But, the Universe and the Medicine were calling me…

The place was beautiful, calm…, we were surrounded by nature… And, the first gift – A beautiful rainbow! I never seen so bright, so clear so saturated rainbow before! And it was double rainbow! That definitely was a blessing from the sky! It was the good sign!

Somewhere, over the Rainbow

Rainbow, the Beauty of Mother Nature

Well, about my intentions... When you go to ceremony, it's good to have some intentions. Otherwise you can be just lost in the roller-coaster of your thoughts.

My intention for this ceremony was… just curiosity. My inner voice brought me here today, and this this voice was so loud, so strong.

So I just wanted to know, why am I here… and little deeper inside there was another reason of my being here – I wanted to understand the world of spirits a bit better.

Well, the ceremony has started. I took the first cup. Actually, first half of the cup, because remembering my previous experiences… it was better start from less, than to be totally destroyed after.

So the first half of the cup was surprisingly light. I felt some spirits inside me, usual stuff for me))) Don’t remember exactly when the spirit of a Wolf came inside me, after the first cup, or after the second one. Also I met spirits of Anaconda and Jaguar. They were together, and I met them when I came close to the music, which facilitators were playing during the ceremony... The Spirits were watching, just showing they presents... for now....

Pretty light experience from the first cup...

And time for the second cup has came... and that's where the real joinery begins...

Well, let's continue...

I took the second cup..., actually it was 1/4 of the cup. But, the time showed, that was more than enough.

And, again, the world of Spirits opened for me. I was some animal... a wolf. I was inside the room, where the ceremony was going and wanted to do Awuuuuuu!..., but the spirit wasn't controlled me fully, so my shyness was stronger, so I went outside. I was a Wolf, the Lone Wolf. But, I was the happy Lone Wolf, and playful, so it was a kind sound Awuuuuuuu :))

I returned to my spot in the room. And the energy had changed. The bad energy cowered me again. I couldn't get up. I was on my knees. My head, I felt like someone was playing football by my head. All my body was soo week... And it all happened all of a sudden... I called for help. The lady, who were leading the ceremony, came. Just want to add here. Right before the lady came, I saw the head with two horns..., I think you guessed whos head that was. It was like a vision. The head appeared from the darkness... From the darkness, which just cowered me. I wasn't afraid, this creature. No. I told about the vision to the lady.

She knew what she was doing, and I was following her instructions... deep inhale, deep exhale... I started to feel better... but something else came inside me... Again, my breath became stronger... I felt stronger..., but it wasn't me already. It was something else.

-"Calm your breath" - the lady told me.

But, I couldn't stop this energy anymore.

-"Don't be afraid of it" - the lady told me.

-"I'm not afraid"- was my answer.

-"So than what is it, an anger?"

She found the right path to this energy... to me...

No, it wasn't fear it was Anger. Huge, huge Anger. Anger from my past, present. The anger, which I was holding inside me for such a long time.

I started to vomit, really hard vomiting. And at the same time I wanted to go to the toilet. Yes, The Medicine hit me very strong this time. But I definitely needed it. The good and deep cleansing of my body..., and the most important - of my soul...

I had to get up and to run to the toilet, on my way vomiting in the bucket. The couple meters before the toilet I had to stop... I fell on my knee. I hugged the bucket and finished the prosses through my mouth. Finally I got the washroom. That energy was leaving me from both ends at the same time. And, wow, I started to fell myself much better. It was like, all my anger, all my hate which I had inside me, just gone. It was such a relief! I started to fell myself lighter, happier, brighter! :))

Before the ceremony I was asking myself - why do I need this... and here was the answer, now I see it... But it was only the first part of the answer why The Medicine Ayahuasca was calling me.

The rest of the night... I just was the part of the world of spirits...

NIGHT 2

On the second night... Let's back to the day before the second night. Truly, nothing remarkable happened that day. I didn't fell somehow different from I was before. I felt good and calm, relaxed, but nothing unusual.

In the morning I had bananas, figs, some berries... and some yummy food which was brought by other participants of the ceremony. Lunch around 1pm was the same. I played my guitar and flute during the day, tried to sleep and rest to before the night.

And the night came. This time I had half of the cup of the Medicine. And, as time later showed, that was totally enough.

My body adjusted the taste (which is very unpleasant) very fast this time. This night and the night before I didn't have a bad feelings in my stomach at the beginning from the taste of Aya. And I could say that the beginning of this night was very smooth unlike previous ceremonies.

In 10-25 minutes (it is hard to say more exact time) I've started to feel light effect.

The felling of vomiting became stronger and stronger. Deep inhale..., deep exhale helped me to relax and feelings of vomiting went away. But a Spirit came. Jaguar. It lifted me up and I started to move towards the music, like a wild cat. At first the spirit was staying in a darkness, hiding from a very, very dim light, which was coming from the living room through partly covered opening.

The Jaguar was watching. After he felt safe he started to come closer to the music. The Spirit was curious. What is going on here?... From where this sound coming from?... Jaguar was coming closer and closer. The Spirit liked the music and the voices of the ladies, who was singing ceremonial song. The Spirit was listening, quietly, and after his curiosity was satisfied the Jaguar went away to his own world.

And now I just don't remember the exact sequence of what happened to me that night. I'll just say, that the night was very, very intense. Total roller coaster. Up and down, up and down, up..., and I'm flying..., bam - hit a mountain..., on a ground again..., rested, gathered all my energy and strength and climbing again t the top of the mountain... and finally I'm at the top!... But it's already far after the end of ceremony.

But, let's continue our trip..., it is far until the end, so far...

What I remember...

I was resisting to some spirits to come inside me the previous night. And it was the Spirit of Anaconda. Before this night I just decided to surrender to what is gonna come. But...

Some energy lifted me up and I was dancing, close to the music. And what I remember now, some darkness is trying to bring me down again. Little by little and I'm on my knee, down, but not destroyed.

I see some unusual space, I feel an energy, I'm in the World of Spirits. The colures inside this place are orange, red and dark. I'm at the beginning of wide, wide stairs. Not many of them, about 7-10. And I see a throne with some entity. Don't remember, how It looked like..., human shape form. And it want me to surrender to his will. I remembered my intentions to this night - to surrender what ever comes. I was about to surrender, and only for a moment I bowed my head. But only for a moment, because at the same moment I did it, I felt that entity, that place, that energy. And it was bad, dark, negative. I realized that I'd better keep fighting, that will surrender to this. I don't know, what is behind it. And at that moment I got a lesson - I knew what kind of energy that was. I knew by the place, how it looked like..., by the shape of the entity..., by my feelings. But I still wasn't sure before I bowed my head. And only than I realized..., it too obvious for me..., but I still couldn't see the truth.

I decided to leave this place of darkness, so I gathered all my strength and started to create my own, bright, kind and beautiful place. And it worked. The entity has gone.

And now I'll describe the night randomly...

...Spirits and Energy...

Here I would like to distinguish a bit between Spirits and Energy.

During the ceremony I experienced many different spirits inside me. Sometimes they were dancing, sometimes just watching, what is going around them. Sometimes it's pretty good feeling, when they were taking a steering wheel, lots of power, lots of energy... almost no emotions. It could be spirits of different animals... Wolf, Eagle, Anaconda, Jaguar... and each one was behaving differently according to they nature... Or, sometimes I even didn't know who took my body. I felt just pure power within with minimum emotions... And it was hard for me to take control back... they all were very strong. They came and left... I felt like I was free Uber for them.

The Energy... it was different. When it was spirits, I could feel some... personality, if I can say so. That beings had they own consciousness. With the Energy it was different. When energy..., dark energy cowered me..., I can not say it was inside me, of was taking control over me. It was different felling. In was like a huge cloud, which was covering me. No personality, no consciousness... no emotions at all. And it was strong to..., very strong...

Well, let's continue the night...

1) ...I was on the floor, by the music. Okay, here I want to make it clear - when I say Music here, I mean the space at the beginning if the room, where the ceremony held the place. The music was playing by women who was leading the ceremony. It was different songs with a different mood. Or sometimes they just was playing different instruments without singing. The music is a really important part of any ceremony. It helps you to go deeper, inside yourself...

So, I was on the floor, by the music. My palms were up, and a little fire appeared in my hands. The flame was warm and kind. This fire was full of love and gratitude. And from that emotions, in the fire, a lotus flower has started to bloom. And a little wind from my lungs blow that flower of love towards the women, who was playing that night..., and towards to all who was in the room that night...

2) ...I was at my place, sitting on my yoga on top of which was sleeping bag, which I take to camping. I had pretty simple setup - yoga mat, sleeping bag, my pillow and a bottle of water. Also I had a little blanket, which I took at the place.

... I was at my place, washroom was calling me. I did not feel well, was down again... but a washroom was calling stronger and stronger. So I had to get up. Fortunately for me I took the basket with me. And, exactly at the middle of the room I started to vomit. Hard, ou, I felt like my stomach wanted to go outside. Total purging. I was at the center of the room, on my knees, unable to get up. I felt totally destroyed.

-" Do you need some help?"- someone asked me.

-" I simply need someone to stay with me at this moment" - was my answer.

Lone wolf..., always by myself. In a good moments..., and in hard, difficult moments as well. I got used to this life, it was my choice. And, I like this way of life... I choose it on propose. But, sometimes, even a Lone Wolf need some support..., even a little one, but that will be enough...

And that moment was exactly like that. I just needed that someone was with me me at that moment. I was at the place where I was avoiding to be at the time of my vulnerability, my weakness. And, although, no one could see me (it was completely dark in the room, except that spot by the enter to the room) everyone could hear me. After a while being on my knees, I managed to get up and continue my way to the washroom, vomiting at the same time on the way into the bucket. I felt broken, it was too much. The Medicine was working with a full power. I was sad and frustrated..., but, also I felt a comfort, the comfort from being alone, in a quiet place, free from any kind of energy. And, I guess, it helped. After I left the toilet, I've started to feel a changes inside me. A new person, the old, best version of me started to wake up.

The night before the anger left, this time compassion came instead, compassion from others. I went outside... the fresh air, cool rain on my face..., Mother Earth under my feet... I felt like a new born... But it wasn't the end, the ceremony still was going, and Spirits were waiting for me...

3) ... I was at my spot, on my knees, all way down, again... My breath was fast. I felt like I just did some very intense HIIT workout. And my breath didn't slow down. I guess, The World of Spirits did it job. The fight, or the struggle inside me was intense. I believe, it was a kind of a test..., can I handle the darkness and do not kneel to it..., and allow the light be my guide on this was into the World of Spirits. Or, it was a fight for my soul... At least, it felt like that. And yes, I was on my knees, again, exhausted but not broken. Even vise versa - I was stronger! I didn't even tried to calm down my breath. I just let it go. It was total hyperventilation of my lungs. I started to feel better, and my breath started to calm down to. Uh, only for a short time it was normal, but pretty quick it started to speed up again.

All of a sudden I started to feel a fresh air. My neighbor, very kind lady, sent me a little bit of wind, made by her hand fan from a feathers. And that was a very good timing. The fresh air calmed me down and I started to feel better...

4) ... And, again, I'm on the floor, this time by the music. I think, I just was dancing and some energy brought me down. I felt heaviness on my body, the darkness was near me again, it was covering me, it wanted a piece of me. But, I wasn't ready to give up. It was hard, but if I fall, this time I will fall with a smile on my face!:)) I will fall with a humor, laughing to the face of the dark energy. And my last move is gonna be the move from Terminator 2. The thumb up! You can take my body for now, but you Will Never Take My Soul!

5) ... Fire...

I was struggling. To surrender, or to keep fighting. This time the Spirit of Anaconda wanted to take me completely. But I did not like the energy of that spirit. It wasn't for me. I wanted to leave the room, but..., the bucket... I was afraid I will vomit again, but I wanted to let the spirit in. My brain wanted to surrender to the spirit, just follow my intentions for this ceremony... But my intuition or my soul did not want to let it in. I had a dilemma, which was tearing me apart. I asked for help. I asked for Fire. One of the women, who was part of the facilitating team, came to me. I couldn't get up. I was so hard, I just was out of energy. Something just was holding me down there. I just needed a time to gather myself and find some strength. Okay, I need to Get Up. Go! With the lady's help I managed to get to the end of living room, where matches supposed to be... no luck..., not here...

The lady went upstairs to the second floor to get them..., I just couldn't stand, I sit down, on my knees, covering my head by my hands. I needed some help, and the help came. The lady brought water and matches... Water and Fire. She tried to make a fire for me by burning Pal Santo, but, if you know this tree, you know that it doesn't burn well. It was a very kind move of her, and that helped me to feel a bit better. I had drunk some water and took a match. The little fire light up the room and my soul. I touched to it by my fingers, connecting with the energy of the Fire. The light, even from a little match, can always beet a darkness, so I've started to feel better again. My breath became deep and powerful. But, at that moment, something was trying to go inside me again. The lady, like feeling that I need to cool down now, put the cold on my neck. It helped, it calmed me down a lot. The energy of the spirit went away. Now I just was tired. But I couldn't stay here, I had go back to the room. I had to get up again. And this little, tiny woman from outside, but pretty strong from inside, she guided me back to my spot. She gave me her hand, but I couldn't except it, I just didn't want to be totally opened and let the love, kind love, which could ignite my heart again, I just didn't want to let it in. I simply put my hand on her shoulder and started to follow her.

Thank You, I really appreciate your care and kindness, and that you were with me at that time...

6) ... Dancing...

I was down many times during this ceremony..., but I was up and high, in the sky, much more.

I was dancing. The spirits inside me were dancing. They lifted me up, gave me energy and strength, showing me what kind of a person I can be and what kind of a person I am inside now. During dancing I experienced different kind of

energies - from soft, kind and loving, to mighty, powerful and fiery. Sometimes my body and mind was under control by that energies, so I was just a passenger on a back seat, who was just enjoying the ride. And I was free. Spirits, they don't have any fears, they are just flying in a dance with the music. And my soul was connected. Connected to the rhythm, to the songs, to the Nature around, to the music which lighted up the ceremonial space. The dance - that was expression of myself, that was the bridge between my soul, my body, my spirit and the World of the Spirits.

That also was my lesson, which was teaching me who I really am. And I just couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop, the spirits inside me and my Spirit were connected, we were the one. And the beautiful voices of the women, they beautiful music... they were supporting the fire inside my heart and inside my soul. And that fire were clearing my spirit from the anger, weakness, demotivation, self doubts... The Fire was making a new path for me, the path for self love, inspiration, self development, courage and discipline. It was the path to believing in myself again.

Thanks to those two nights now I see clearly the way, where I should go, so

Let the Joinery Begin!

The ceremony was over, but my joinery to the self healing still was going with this night.

Finally I lay down, after about 6 hours of the ceremony... I closed my eyes. I could rest now. But The Medicine still was working inside me. And I saw Myself. I was looking at Myself. I was.., I am Beautiful I thought about Myself. I really liked what I could see in me:)) All my sides, all my strong and weak points, my silliness, my smile - this all makes me the amazing person and beautiful personality! :)) Me and Me, we talked a bit, hugged and gave some compliments each other:)) ... and became the One. Yes, I Am Whole! And I Am Blessed!

And, finally, I got the most important message and blessing of this ceremony...

Couple of months ago I had alone, at home, another kind of ceremony, with another Medicine Plant. More gentle this time but still pretty strong. And that what that Plant showed me:

I was a little girl in a wonderful place. I guess it was Heaven. And God came to me. And He gave me a gift... (it's gonna be another story for another time)...

Well, for some reason I did not opened that gift then..., I think I was waiting for a right time. And this night was a good time to open it.

What was inside the present which my Soul got on Heaven before I was born - it was the good health, which I have, loving and caring family and the best friends!

-" I know that I am blessed by all these gifts, so why to showed it to me" - I asked God

-" You like to keep important to your soul gifts, and you keep the best one, and you always remember about them. So, just always remember about this gift to you in a hard times of your life"- there was the answer to me...

And this is the best gift I've ever had in my life!!!

Thank You, Thank You God!

I was home already. And I felt totally different from the person which left this place on Friday. I had some light dinner. And for the first time in many, many years I ate without watching something on my tablet. First time. Wow. After the meal I went to bed. No desire watch any social network, news or YouTube. And that was new for me. Before I just was addicted to it and all that scrolling was taking lots of my energy and attention. This time I just wanted to rest and connect to myself. And it felt good! Calmness and relaxation, which I didn't know when even last time I had those feelings... It was different, totally different from calmness and relax which I had before. These time feeling were... lighter..., I felt lighter. Evening came and I went to sleep.

And Anaconda came. It was like a vision, not a dream, I didn't fall asleep yet. The Spirit made rings on my body. The energy was dark. Her skin was black.

-" Do I surrender now?" - she asked me, and opened her mouth.

She wanted to consumed me, but I said No. I do not want to be absorbed by that kind of energy. I'll better find another path in my life than with her. And this anaconda gone. And I felt another presents, another spirit, another Anaconda. And it appeared before me. Her skin was green and her energy was different. It was calm, wise and also powerful. This was the energy of The Medicine. I felt that this energy I can trust and I can be lead by her.

-" The Spirit of Grandmother, what is my purpose, and which direction should I go?" - I asked The Spirit.

-" Do not ask the questions, for which you already know the answers. Ask the right one." - was her answer.

I cleared my mind, and the question came:

-" What should I do next?"

-" Learn" - The Spirit told me -" Learn the discipline, learn concentration, learn how to go towards your dream. Learn, how to be strong and do not afraid to show your weakness and vulnerability. And when you will be ready, when time will come a new door will open for you"

And I understood that to navigate myself in The World of Spirits my mind had to be clear, my soul has to be free. Free from anger, hate, doubts, jealousy... Because it is easy to be absorbed by those emotions, it is easy to be controlled by them..., it is easy to be crushed by The Spirit's World.

But, if your your mind is clear, intentions are good, the Soul is free and pure - love and the light are your guides. And you are in control, you are whole, and You are able to navigate yourself in this and that worlds.

-" Do you want to see my world?" - the Spirit asked me

-" Yes" - I said without any hesitations.

And the spirit lifted me up again, and I've started to fly. The river, the jungles, different animals... I was flying over Amazon! And it was beautiful!

-" Do you want to be the part of this world?" - She asked me.

I did not answered. I had doubts, hesitations, fear.

"What should I let go to be a part of it?"

The Spirit knew what I was thinking about.

-" You do not need to let go what is the most important for you. You always will be with them, and they always will be with you..."

My hesitations gone and I said Yes.

And I became a part of the Jungle. We became the One Whole Universe.

... And one more thing which I forgot to mention here.

The Spirit of Anaconda actually got me... It happened during the second night of the ceremony.

I was resisting, I was at my spot. And She came..., or, I'd better say here - He. But, He did not wanted to crawl, like a snake. Instead The Spirit lifted me up and brought me closer to the music and beautiful voices.

The song, which women were singing at that time was the song about The Spirit of Grandmother. And here The Anaconda took it shape. I got down on the floor. No hesitations, no resistance. I just surrendered. And I was free. The Spirit of The Medicine took over me. I was completely on the floor, in the form of the snake. I remembered just that... a week has passed since that night. I'm trying, but still cant recall what I experienced at that moment, and what happened right after it...

... Two weeks later... P.S.

Two weeks after the ceremony. The result... After this time the effect is going down..., but I'm still going forward. For this period I haven't scroll social network, and YouTube, using them only for posting my videos and photos from my trip to Ecuador. My discipline is came back..., that discipline, which I had in my best times.

And, after ten, or even more years I eat at home without watching anything. Last time it happened... I don't even remember when it was last time. ( when I'm at nature, or on vacation not counting).

I am sad today, because the reality is that there is no any progress in my life, in things which I wanna se some results. But I am still almost at the same spot where I was 6 years ago. And this reality hits hard. But..., there is always some But, right:)), and in this case it's a good But... So, but this is only the one part of my life.

Fortunately for by the second part is much brighter. So, let's concentrate on it:))

The concentration and discipline - that is what I am learning now.

BTW, I was in a forest couple days ago. Three nights, completely alone... except spirits of that place..., but this is gonna be completely another story... ;))

And, for now, just want to say

Thank You for reading

and

All The Best!